X. The Gauntlet pt 2

So for the next thrilling installment in the Get-A-Job-On-A-Cruise-Ship saga:

TRIAL #2: THE MEDICAL.

This was a battery of tests to make sure that I met the overall health requirements of the company, which was also to see that I didn't have any STIs - yknow, sexually transmitted infections - or especially drugs in my system.

So this actually was the most worrisome part of the process for me because

a) I'd never actually had a full medical checkup done in....years if ever.

b) I also hadn't been tested for STIs in .....like a year and I'd been with a few since

c) I was legitimately afraid that I would test positive for something like drugs and get rejected

On THC Exposure and Living in Canada

So I spent months doing research about how long THC lasts in your system - and granted, living in Canada of all places - this stuff's everywhere. It's in the air at concerts, at the beach, it's randomly in the brownies someone brought to the Student Council party, it's most likely hiding in a wee stash container in 1 out of 3 of your Canadian friends' bedrooms.

Now I, leading up to the medical, was exceptionally clean. No drugs, nada. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life - and that's a pure honest-to-goodness truth. BUT I had read online that even people who've stopped smoking or midnight tokin' could test positive after attending a party or being in close contact with people where THC is wafting about. My friend who landed the Disney job before me just said he stopped smoking about a month before and he passed.

Even still, after one mistaken brownie - that stuff could stay in your system for up to 6- 9 weeks, depending on your bodyfat content and how much of it you used to use. Blood test wouldn't show anything after a few days, but urine had a long test range. If they chose to get any hair for a follicle test though- that was the kicker, that would take months to get out of the system.

Not cooool man. This is my job!

So I had to be sure.

I bought urine test strips from drugtestkits.ca - not only were these just a wee bit away in Barrie, they shipped to me within the next day! Score.

http://www.drugtestkits.ca/fastect-ii-urine-drug-test-thc-marijuana.html

I decided I was going to go a bit scientific with this because -who knows if these actually work -

So at the end of a party one night where that roach smell hung like heavy curtains in the air for hours (it was pretty much impossible to escape it unless you shut yourself in a closet. With an open window.) , I figured I'd test it out and see if they worked.

 so I got the guy who I was seeing at the time to test it for me - a casual smoker:

"Heyyy hun dyou wanna pee on a stick for me?"

I got my heavy stoner friend to test it for me:

"Heyy man, come pee on this a sec?"

And lastly I did it.

"Gross, it's all over my hand."

The strips all came back and read positive. Sheet.

I tried again a week later, pretty much avoiding everyone that remotely smelled like weed - and the strip said negative. Phew! 

SO I resolved that I wouldn't be so careless with my potential exposure ever, ever again. Because if you know me - I've never ever done drugs in my life. 

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The Appointment

So I went and booked my appointment - apparently everrryone in Toronto needed to get examined because the earliest possible time for me was in 3 weeks, at the end of August. Now the cruise companies choose Medisys - apparently they're quite good about sending the results to them directly. Apparently however, based on the reviews online this whole thing took several hours and required you to go to another facility to get x-rays done and costs in the end like 300-600 bucks. Yikes.

But you could've always gone to your family physician and had this whole thing done. But considering I don't like the idea of this wee old Asian lady who's known me since childhood poking around my nether regions and asking me about my sex life, I opted for Medisys.

That's right - I did say nether regions. (More on that later.)

So to prepare for the exam, you have to not eat or drink anything for a good 12 hours prior. Otherwise, they'd know and you'd be in big trouble. This is also usually when people try to do things like swallow cotton or poppyseed bagels or bleach or something or other to get skewed readings on their drug tests.

My test was right around 11 in the morning, so I was fine with skipping breakfast. I went to the address they gave me, which looked like your fairly standard office building around Yonge & St. Clair in Toronto. Heading upstairs, I presented myself and was given a clipboard with a bunch of forms to fill out, and a lot of questions to answer.

• Are you pregnant?
• Are you currently on any medication?
• Are you having any respiratory trouble? Are you a smoker?
• Do you have any illnesses?
• Do you have any disabilities?
• Do you have any trouble hearing? Have you been to (1) or more concerts or nighttime events with a higher-than-healthy decibel level?
• Have you ever been treated for a yadda yadda yadda

Lots of this stuff - now if you're young and spry and of pretty decent health - you'd be answering no to most of these questions. Now as far as the disability question went, they seemed pretty vague because they mentioned "slight/partial vision or hearing loss" - and I wear glasses/contacts so I checked it off as yes just in case. Turns out it's supposed to be if you're like, blind in one eye.


 After completing and handing back my forms, I had to wait in a slightly depressing waiting room that had so much anxiety in the air I was glad I brought my tablet to play on. There was absolutely nothing to do there otherwise, unless you were a wee child and wanted to play with your usual assortment of Doctor's office stuff.

You know, this thing. Whatever it's called. I used to LOVE this when I was in waiting rooms. They used to dazzle, frustrate, and fascinate me as a child. I used to imagine they were like, little trains going around on suspended tracks like monorails. I kinda want to touch one now.

Now after about 20 minutes, I was called in for the first set of tests with an Eastern European nurse I'll call Gosia. Actually, I think that might've been her legit name.

First thing out of the way, was to "take my sample".

I was worried that this was going to be a stool (as in, poop. :S stay classy, kids) sample based on what other cruise candidates have had to do. Thankfully, all I had to do was go to - THE FANCIEST BATHROOM EVER. No kidding, this was like Hotel-quality - and pee in a cup.

 Gosia then did an eye exam for me like you would do at the optometrist. 

 Look at the chart, read the bottom line, which one of these was clearer, etc. I told her I wore contacts and she said - ok no problem.

The next test was a hearing exam.

 Gosia put me in this wee box that was fairly soundproof and gave me huge headphones to wear, as well as a buzzer contraption like the kind you'd press on a TV Game Show. She then disappeared from sight - and I assume she was doing what this lady's doing in the picture.

"Push the Red Button whenever you hear anything." Gosia called out on the muffled other side of the box.

"Anything?" I asked.

No response.

So I waited there in silence and thought about how creepy it would be if someone died in that box.

All of a sudden- a high pitched note in my right ear. I pressed the button.

Then, slightly lower. I pressed it again.

Then it continued, every 10-15 seconds getting progressively fainter.

This repeated, alternating ears with different kinds of tones. I started to hear that ringing you get when there's complete silence and I could hear the blood in my ears alongside the most minute of tone frequencies so I went with a policy of - when in doubt, that's probably when you should press the button.

"You have excellent hearing!" Gosia said, when it was done.

"Cool." I said, still thinking I was hearing those quiet tones for a few seconds after.

Finally, came the part the most people freak out about. 

Gosia took my blood. 

It was all very casual, she had me relax my left arm out, palm-side up as she jabbed around in my elbow looking for a vein. This took several tries. Thankfully I'm not squeamish about blood or seeing things inserted into my skin - I know my ex would've probably screamed bloody murder at that point.

Finally, like tapping a Keg - BAM! She hit a vein and I watched as I that glorious ruby-red stuff went flowing out of me. Eight times. Oh god I didn't realise she had to take 8. But it all seemed to go so quickly, and it kinda looked fun. I certainly didn't feel anything, but this coming from a tattooed boy doesn't mean much.

After that I got a band-aid and was sent to wait around for a Doctor in the waiting room who would do my physical exam.

"Prince, where's my Prince?" Came a man's voice, as I saw a middle-aged kindly faced dude with the air of a high school chaplain come in with my clipboard. I'll call him Dr. Cone. First, Dr. Cone took me into his office and asked me a few questions about how long I've been wearing contacts, if I go to a lot of concerts and stand next to the speakers, if I smoke. Luckily -because I haven't ever smoked cigarettes I didn't need a chest x-ray. That shaved a good hour off of the whole thing.

He then took me to his examination room and fully did that whole doctor glove-snapping thing.

Now I was fully prepared for whatever was to come next. Heck I wasn't afraid of the awkward questions and poking around in there- I was just afraid of ...enjoying it. Yeah yeah, laugh it up -but this was new for me, ok?

Luckily that never happened. He did your standard check-up procedure as I sat on the crinkly paper of the examination table, listened to my chest, checked my reflexes, asked me about every single one of my tattoos as he saw them.

"And what does this one say? Oh my word, is this backwards?"

"Yep."

"Aha....so only you can read it. You must think you're clever!"

"Uhhh sure?"

Finally he went to leave the room, saying:
"Okiedoke, disrobe down to your underwear and I'll be back."

So I got down to my boxers when Dr. Cone returned, and he chucked as he looked at my underwear. 

That morning I pretty much grabbed the first clean pair out of the laundry,  and this one happened to be in nautical stripes with an anchor and said "SAILOR 69" across the band.

What he must've thought, he didn't say.

"Ok, now drop your shorts so I can have a look." Doctor Cone said.

So... I stepped out of my undies. He had a good look at the gents and touched it for like a second, and that was it! Phew.

"You seem like a good kid. Best of luck."

And with that, I was sent to wait in another office.

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Finally I had to go to a final nurse, who was your scatterbrained old-lady type. She seemed like she lived in a little cottage in the suburbs and made Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie and sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving. She also seemed like she was the kind to forget her glasses on her head or leave the kettle on the stove. I'll call her Aunt Milly.

 (She had this...kindly ol' Carol Channing vibe.)

So Aunt Milly takes me to her office and she laments how I couldn't get my vaccination records to her, so they're just going to have to stick me with a few vaccines. For my Rabies, Mumps, Rubella and Chicken Pox. Hooray all four!

 Now this wasn't so bad - it was actually quite quick, except each time she forgot exactly where she'd stuck me so didn't quite know where to put the band-aid. Silly old Aunt Milly.

We chatted at length about Disney and how her grand-kids were going in September and if I was going to be there. She also reminded me to never let the Ship's Medical staff keep my vaccination records, as that would be incredibly hard to get back.

"Now, you're going to be feeling a bit woozy dear, we've just taken some blood out of you and given you a couple viruses. You ought to go get something to eat and some orange juice when you're outta here."

As soon as she said woozy, I felt it. This incredible wave of nausea mixed in with general fatigue. It's like coming right off of a roller coaster and being on a long car ride while studying for your midterms.

As she processed my forms while I was leaving she said - "Oh isn't that nice, you don't have to pay for any of this! Disney does it for you. Well, good luck and have so much fun my dear!"

And that was the end of the 2nd part of the Gauntlet. 

Gosh, I miss Aunt Milly.

UP NEXT: THE POLICE CHECK AND THE REST!